Gamer (2009)

Gamer (2009) poster
Rating: ★★
Future Live-Action Videogames

Film somewhere between Counterstrike and The Running Man where convicts are controlled as avatars inside a live-action videogame. A difficult to believe premise that is pumped up with hyper-adrenalised action visuals

Hellmaster (1992)

Hellmaster (1992) poster
Rating: ★★
Mad Scientist’s Zombie Experiments

Typical 1990s video release with mad scientist John Saxon creating zombie experiments amid entertainingly gooey meltdowns and a title intended to make you think this is a Hellraiser film

Incredibles 2 (2018)

Incredibles 2 (2018) poster
Rating: ★★
Pixar Animation/Superhero Spoof

Pixar’s venture into sequels has resulted in works playing off past successes that are lesser than their originals. This came with much anticipation but it too must be counted as another disappointment

The Adventures of Taura: Prison Ship Star Slammer (1986)

The Adventures of Taura: Prison Ship Star Slammer (1986) poster
Rating: ★★
Interstellar Women in Prison Film

B-budget director Fred Olen Ray makes a Women in Prison film set in space. Known under several different names, this is another of Olen Ray’s bimbo pictures where he plants tongue well in cheek

How to Steal the World (1968)

How to Steal the World (1968) poster
Rating: ★★
The The Man from U.N.C.L.E. Film/Spy Film

The eight and last of the films recut from episodes of tv’s The Man from U.N.C.L.E.. This starts to show the strain of trying to make what were originally designed as tv episodes work as feature films

Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business (1998)

Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business (1998) poster
Rating: ★½
Undead Super-Soldiers/Action

he second of two cheap video-released sequels to the Jean-Claude Van Damme film. This has the novelty of featuring Burt Reynolds as the bad guy

Johnny English Reborn (2011)

Johnny English Reborn (2011) poster
Rating: ★½
Incompetent Spy Comedy

Rowan Atkinson is a very funny man but try as I might I cannot get into these Johnny English films – they seem at best lame Austin Powers castoffs with gags designed for the single digit age range

Hansel vs Gretel (2015)

Hansel vs Gretel (2015) poster
Rating:
Modernised Fairytale

Sequel to The Asylum’s spendidly grotesque Hansel & Gretel, this pits the two characters against one another for contrived reasons to justify its title but is just cheaply made

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea (2007)

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea (2007) poster
Rating:
Jules Verne Modernisation

The Asylum conduct their cheap version of the Jules Verne novel, so cheap it doesn’t even look like they went to sea or underwater to film. Here the oft-filmed Verne story has been modernised

Insurgent (2015)

Insurgent (2015) poster
Rating:
Young Adult Dystopian Future

Divergent, the first entry in this Young Adult dystopian series, a poor man’s Hunger Games, failed the “I can’t hold any suspension of disbelief” test. This offers more of the same, plus lots of random effects sequences

Batman Forever (1995)

Batman Forever (1995) poster
Rating:
Comic-Book Superhero

Tim Burton’s superlative duo of Batman films were wrecked after Joel Schumacher took up the director’s chair and turned the films into giant camp fests. Here he allows a madly overacting Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones loose as the villains

Black Christmas (2019)

Black Christmas (2019) poster
Rating:
Girl’s Dormitory Slasher

A remake of the work that has been cited as the first slasher film. This is less a horror film than a horror film that has been hijacked by a political agenda, delivered with a relentlessly loud and damning misandrist tone

The Clones of Bruce Lee (1980)

The Clones of Bruce Lee (1980) poster
Rating:
Clones of Martial Arts Star

Bruce Lee popularised the kung fu genre but then died. Welcome to the Brucespolitation phenomenon where for several years we had Bruce lookalikes appearing in copycat works. Several Bruce imitators appear here as his clones

Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)

Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010) poster
Rating:
Videogame Adaptation/Post-Holocaust Zombies

Four films in and clear evidence that the Resident Evil series needs to be retired. This consists of tediously borrowed action moves now presented in 3D and a plot of random dead ends that make little sense

Brainjacked (2009)

Brainjacked (2009) poster
Rating:
Mind Control Chips

A low-budget film wherein a teenager falls under the influence of a mad scientist who drills open heads to implant mind control chips. This makes a beeline for gory splatter effects

Daleks’ Invasion Earth 2150 A.D. (1966)

Daleks' Invasion 2150 A.D. (1966) poster
Rating:
Doctor Who Film

The second of the theatrically released Doctor Who films intended to highlight the popularity of The Daleks, this is an improvement in that it dispenses with the first film’s buffoonish comedy elements

Spider-Man (1977)

Spider-Man (1977) poster
Rating:
Comic-Book Superhero

The first big screen incarnation of the Marvel Comics character, the theatrically released pilot for a dreary tv series starring Nicholas Hammond that stripped Spider-Man down to being no more than a superpowered detective in a tv cop show

Identified Flying Object (1985)

Identified Flying Object (1985) poster
Rating: ½
Cute Artificially-Intelligent Helicopter

Low-budget director Ulli Lommel makes a film about a teen who befriends an artificially intelligent rogue military helicopter in what becomes E.T. by way of Blue Thunder

Strangest Dreams: Invasion of the Space Preachers (1990)

Strangest Dreams: Invasion of the Space Preachers (1990) poster
Rating: ½
Alien Invader Televangelists

A film that has been sold on the basis of its deliberately ridiculous title concept – that of alien invaders attempting to take over the airwaves by posing as televangelists

Kong, King of Atlantis (2005)

Kong, King of Atlantis (2005) poster
Rating:
Animation/King Kong vs the Lizard People of Atlantis

The most ridiculous work to bear Kong’s name – an animated film with songs where Kong has two buddies who says “dude” and “bro” a lot and Kong fights the lizard people from Atlantis

Invader (1992)

Invader (1992) poster
Rating:
Amok Alien-Possessed Military A.I.

A completely ridiculous film that throws in an incomprehensible mix of an amok A.I.’s that takes over a stealth plane, UFOs, mind control and military conspiracy and proves badly made on every single count

The Astro-Zombies (1968)

The Astro-Zombies (1968) poster
Rating:
Mad Scientist Creates Zombies/Classic Bad Movie

A real Grade Z film. A mind-boggling stew involving John Carradine conducting mad science experiments, technical gaffes aplenty, spy capers featuring Tura Satana and even M.A.S.H.‘s Wayne Rogers on script

Gamera vs. Zigra (1971)

Gamera vs Zigra (1971) poster
Rating:
Japanese Monster Movie

This was the seventh of the 1960s Gamera films and one of the worst of the series. By now, the film is pitched entirely to juvenile audiences, while the effects are pitiful

Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)

Universal Soldier: The Return (1999) poster
Rating:
Undead Super-Soldiers/Action

Sequel to Roland Emmerich’s Universal Soldier, this brings back Jean-Claude Van Damme but otherwise substitutes a brain dead plot that has him facing an evil A.I.

Psyched By the 4D Witch (A Tale of Demonology) (1972)

Psyched by the 4D Witch (A Tale of Demonology) (1972) poster
Rating:
Sex and Witchcraft

Fascinatingly bizarre psychotronic film about an innocent drawn into the secrets of sexual witchcraft. Bad filmmaking on almost every level

Firestarter (2022)

Firestarter (2022) poster
Rating:
Pyrokinesis/Stephen King Adaptation

One of Stephen King’s best books is given a new film workover by Blumhouse. Keith Thomas made a standout directorial debut with The Vigil, but this is a disaster, one of the worst of all King adaptations

Bill the Galactic Hero (2014)

Bill the Galactic Hero (2014) poster
Rating:
Space War Parody

Harry Harrison’s Bill the Galactic Hero is hands down the funniest science-fiction book of all time; it is painful watching it rendered in the hands of Alex Cox who has only the budget and resources of an amateur film