17 Again (2009)
Ageswap Fantasy
Ageswap fantasy in which middle-aged Matthew Perry is rejuvenated as a teenage Zac Efron. A glib fantasy that seems made by abstinence campaigners
Films of 2009
Sherlock Holmes (2009)
Sherlock Holmes vs Black Magic
Guy Ritchie’s reinvention of Sherlock Holmes seemed a miscalculated disaster in the offing. It doesn’t radically reinvent the basics but emerges passably well
Sherlock Holmes (2009)
Sherlock Holmes Steampunk Adventure
A mockbuster take on Sherlock Holmes from The Asylum released the same time as the Guy Ritchie-Robert Downey Jr film. Ben Syder makes for a neurotically subdued Holmes but the film takes a leap off into demented Steampunk territory to emerge as one of The Asylum’s better offerings
Shorts (2009)
Magic Wishing Stone
Another of Robert Rodriguez’s children’s films about the wacky chaos caused by the discovery of a magic wishing stone. Nothing earth-shattering but Rodriguez has a lot of fun with the visual absurdities
Skeleton Crew (2009)
Disturbed Film Director Recreates Snuff Movies
Not to be confused with the Stephen King story collection, this is about a film crew shooting a film in an abandoned asylum about murders conducted there who discover a trove of snuff movies whereupon the director becomes obsessed with recreating them
The Sky Has Fallen (2009)
Zombie Apocalypse
A low-budget amateur-made zombie film that treads where hundred of other copycats have before. It sets itself apart from these very slightly in that it makes effort to chart a relationship between the leads and in that the zombies behave in puzzlingly non-traditional ways
Snow White (2009)
Fairy-Tale Ballet Adaptation
An amazing reinterpretation of the classical fairytale as modern ballet for adults. This does amazing things to reinvent the original and is visually extraordinary
Solomon Kane (2009)
Puritan Era Sword and Sorcery/Robert E. Howard Adaptation
Reasonable adaptation of Robert E. Howard’s stories about a Puritan warrior, an entry in the 00s sword-and-sorcery fad that comes with a welcomely dark edge
Someone’s Knocking at the Door (2009)
Demonic Rapists
A thoroughly demented low-budget exploitation homage about demonic rapists that only falls down when it comes to a cliched twist end
Sorority Row (2009)
Sorority House Slasher Film
Loose remake of the 1980s slasher film The House on Sorority Row, competently made but in the end this never sufficiently surmounts the routine
Stan Helsing: A Parody (2009)
Horror Parody
Film from one of the producers of Scary Movie that heads for the same lowbrow comedy routines while spoofing 80s horror films
Star Trek (2009)
Intergalactic Adventures
J.J. Abrams revives the Star Trek franchise by recasting it with younger faces and rewriting continuity. But in the appeal to a hipper, sexier vibe, it feels a long way from Gene Roddenberry’s creation – nowhere in evidence is the original’s concern with galactic politics and social issues of the day
The Steam Experiment (2009)
Imprisonment Thriller
This offers one of the more original twists on the Saw set-up – Val Kilmer plays a professor who imprisons a group of people in a steam room slowly turning the temperature up as a protest against global warming.
The Stepfather (2009)
Psycho Stepfather
Disastrous remake of the classic 80s horror film, which comes shorn of its biting satire on Family Values and turned into just another teen horror film
Storm Warriors (2009)
Flying Swordsmen Fantasy
The Pang Brothers are some of the most exciting genre directors in the world. Here they take on the Wu Xia film and make a sequel to The Storm Riders that feels fuelled by too many viewings of 300
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)
Videogame Adaptation
Sequel to the 1994 Street Fighter film based on the videogame, this provides the wall-to-wall action that the first film needed but falls down with a wimpily miscast heroine
Strigoi (2009)
Romanian Vampire Film
The first vampire film actually made in Romania, although this. more a film about petty corruption and decades old disputes with vampirism coming to represent corrupt land ownership than anything to do with classic movie vampires
Summer Wars (2009)
Anime/Amok A.I./Family Saga
Beautifully made Mamoru Hosoda film about a rogue A.I. taking over a social media network. A film that is also a heartwarming work about family togetherness
Superman/Batman: Public Enemies (2009)
Comic-Book Superhero Teamup/Animation
An animated film that seems premised on not much more than bringing various obscure DC Comics characters out of mothballs for one giant-sized punch up
Surrogates (2009)
Future Where People Inhabit Avatar Bodies
Interesting conceptual SF film where the populace of the future inhabit a series of perfect avatar bodies. Despite a few logical quibbles with the premise, this does a good job in exploring the idea of such a world
Survival of the Dead (2009)
Zombies
George Romero’s sixth and final zombie film where he writes characters and a script with much more of a richness of theme than he did in the last two entries
Surviving Evil (2009)
Filipino Vampire Monsters
South African-shot film that pretends to be set in The Philippines. Utterly generic on every level, the film seems to be about Filipino vampire monsters but everything is vaguely sketched
Tell-Tale (2009)
Possessed Transplant Organ
This is supposedly an adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe’s story The Tell-Tale Heart but it throws out all semblance to the story and instead tells a possessed transplant limb tale
Temptation (2009)
Lesbian Vampires
An all-girl lesbian vampire film that sets out to reclaim the genre that had previously existed as a focus of male titillation and tell it as a story of women’s empowerment
Terminator Salvation (2009)
War Against the Machines
The fourth Terminator film is slightly better than you would expect of something directed by the empty-headed McG. There are some undeniably spectacular action sequences, although the film still stands too much in the shadow of what has gone before
Tetsuo: The Bullet Man (2009)
Man-Machine Fusion
Shinya Tsukamoto’s third Tetsuo film is a disappointingly commercial concession that waters down all of the surrealism and wild sexual fetishism that made the first film so amazing
The Thaw (2009)
Prehistoric Flesh-Eating Insects
Okay borrowing from the set-up of The Thing about an outbreak of flesh-eating prehistoric insects at an Arctic research station
Thirst (2009)
Korean Vampire Film
Park Chan-wook film in which he rewrites the French literary classic Therese Raquin with the addition of a vampire priest with most effective results
The Three Investigators in the Secret of Terror Castle (2009)
Juvenile Detectives Investigate a Spooky Mansion
The Three Investigators books were an essential part of my youth. This does a fair job of remaining faithful to the stories, albeit with the addition of some grating modernisations, and creates reasonable atmosphere as they investigate a seemingly spooky mansion
The Time Traveler’s Wife (2009)
Time Travel Romance
Film adaptation of the best-selling story about a romance between a woman and a man with the ability to travel through time. Nicely made if not quite holding the emotional involvement the book did
T.M.A. (2009)
Czech Ghost Story
Czech-made haunted house story that does not vary far from the traditional basics but generates a sparse but modest atmosphere
Tormented (2009)
Bullied Schoolkid's Retribution From Beyond the Grave
The first film from Irish director Jon Wright who subsequently made films Grabbers and Robot Overlords concerning a bullied schoolkid who comes back from the grave to kill his tormentors,. Not as polished but what a cast of unknowns
A Town Called Panic (2009)
Stop-Motion Animated Plastic Toys/Gonzo Comedy
Film made entirely with stop-motion animated plastic toys and with a sublimely nonsensical absurdiism that has more hilarity and creativity than most mainstream animated fare you will see all year
Town Creek (2009)
Nazi Vampire
Aaaaaaaargh the director I love to hate, Joel Schumacher, turns out a halfway reasonable film. An original menace where Schumacher displays a good grasp of the modern horror film
Toys in the Attic (2009)
Stop-Motion Animation/The Secret Life of Toys
Czech stop-motion animated film – imagine Toy Story film reworked by Jan Svankmajer set in a world of toys made up of scavenged junk. On the minus side, the design is the whole of the film and it never much animates the characters or fairytale story
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
Live-Action Transformer Robots
The first of Michael Bay’s Transformers sequels has even better effects and more copious mass destruction to the point it washes over you without any effect
Transmorphers: Fall of Man (2009)
Asylum Mockbuster/Alien Robot Invasion
Transmorphers was The Asylum’s mockbuster copy of Michael Bay’s Transformers and one of their better films. When Bay released his sequel Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, The Asylum also made this prequel
Transylmania (2009)
Frat Rat Horror Comedy
A excruciatingly unfunny film that feels like one of Abbott and Costello’s monster bashes played as a crass frat comedy
Triangle (2009)
Timeloop
Superb horror film filled with ingenious twists in which Melissa George boards an abandoned luxury liner only to become caught in a timeloop
The Turn of the Screw (2009)
Psychological Ghost Story
A BBC adaptation of the classic oft-filmed Henry James ghost story in which we cannot be sure whether the ghosts are real or exist inside the heroine’s imagination. This treats some aspects of the story liberally but gets the essence of the story right
2012 (2009)
The End of the World/Disaster Movie
Roland Emmerich mass destruction spectacle loosely based around the supposed Mayan prophecies about the end of the world in 2012. Mostly just an excuse for massively scaled disaster sequences.
U Be Dead (2009)
True-Life Female Stalker
A British-made tv movie about a female stalker. What sets this above Fatal Attraction and the other copies is that it is based on a true story
The Unborn (2009)
Haunting/Possession
Scriptwriter David S. Goyer takes the director’s choice to make a possession film. The one distinction here is that Goyer draws from Jewish mythology, otherwise this feels like another canned teen horror film
Under the Mountain (2009)
Twins vs Alien Nasties
Big screen version of a classic New Zealand children’s story, directed by Jonathan King with an emphasis on gooey creature effects
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)
Vampire-Werewolf War
Third of the Underworld films, a prequel to the previous entries. In truth, it is just the same as the others – lots of kinetic action moves and Gothic poses with little in the way of plot
The Uninvited (2009)
Haunting/Asian Horror Remake
The Hollywood remake of the South Korean ghost story A Tale of Two Sisters that waters down and reduces the effectiveness of the original to generic shocks
Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2009)
Undead Super-Soldiers/Action
The fifth of the Universal Soldier films reuniting both Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren, while being given a tough, brutal action punch by director John Hyams
Up (2009)
Pixar Animation/Old Man Goes on an Adventure
One of the finest works from Pixar, the story about an old man and a boy on an adventure in a film that develops some incredibly nuanced and heart-warming emotional depths
Vacancy 2: The First Cut (2009)
Remote Motel Torture and Sadism
Passable sequel (or rather prequel) to the remote motel snuff movie thriller Vacancy. Even though a throwaway effort, it manages to build an okay head of steam
Valhalla Rising (2009)
Mystical Viking Film
A Viking film from Nicolas Winding Refn. Rather than being as any regular historical film, this is almost a mystical arthouse work, a work haunted by the austerity of its primal landscape
Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl (2009)
Gonzo Japanese Splatter Film
Completely insane Japanese film that wades in gore while playing everything up at a level of demented cartoonish absurdity. Possibly the most delirious movie-watching fun it is possible to have
The Vintner’s Luck (2009)
Angel Aids Winemaker
Whale Rider director Niki Caro makes an uneven film about a 19th Century peasant who is inspired to make wine by an angel
Virginia Creepers (2009)
Horror Hosts Documentary
Documentary about the phenomenon of the tv horror host
Watchmen (2009)
Comic-Book Superheroes
Zack Snyder’s adaptation of Alan Moore’s groundbreaking graphic novel is exceedingly faithful to the original. Often called unfilmable, Snyder articulates the material in ways that quite surprise
Where the Wild Things Are (2009)
Boy Frolics With Friendly Monsters
Spike Jonze conducts his own unique and individualistic adaptation of Maurice Sendak’s classic children’s book about a young boy who sails away to an island of friendly monsters
Whitechapel (2009)
Modern-Day Jack the Ripper Killings
Fascinating British mini-series about a series of modern-day Jack the Ripper copycat killings, one where the writers have clearly done their research
Wonder Woman (2009)
Animation/DC Comics Superheroine
Fine animated version of the DC Comics superheroine that gets the character just right and tells the story in a way that eclipses all previous filmed versions
Written By (2009)
Meta-Fiction
Unique venture into meta-fiction by Wai Ka Fai that creates fascinatingly wound layers of fiction and reality that eventually become so complex that one gets lost
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
Comic-Book Superhero
After the disaster of X-Men: The Last Stand, the decision was made to give a whole film over to the series’s most popular character, Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine, and to go with a prequel that told his origin story. Largely a film that exists as a series of superheroic action scenes
YatterMan (2009)
Anime TV Series in Live-Action/Gonzo Giant Robot Heroics
Takashi Miike conducts a live-action adaptation of a 1970s anime tv series with completely madcap results. The effect is like drowning in multi-coloured candyfloss flavoured with LSD
Year One (2009)
Cavemen Stumble Through the Old Testament Comedy
Not very funny comedy from Harold Ramis and Judd Apatow where Jack Black and Michael Cera are cavemen who stumble through many incidents from the Old Testament
Zombie Women of Satan (2009)
Freakshow Troupe vs Zombie Women
A WTF am I watching film where a performing freakshow troupe led by Pervo the Clown are pursued around a farm by topless zombie women
Zombieland (2009)
Zombie Comedy
Enjoyable zombie comedy that has been regarded as a classic by many and contains an appealing nonchalant sense of humour and some great performances, even if it owes much to Shaun of the Dead
Zombies of Mass Destruction (2009)
Zombie Social Satire
The social metaphors of George Romero’s original zombie films has been missing from the modern equivalents. This takes them up again with great enthusiasm, making a critique of USA attitudes post 9/11, hammering its message home with all the subtlety of a 26-point headline