Blood on Melies’ Moon (2016)

Blood on Melies' Moon (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Cosmic Journey Through Film History

Luigi Cozzi’s return to screens after 26 years, a head-scratchingly bizarre effort overloaded with ideas about parallel worlds, cosmic journeys and homage to the early cinema of Georges Melies and others

Ouija: Origin of Evil (2016)

Ouija Origin of Evil (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Ouija Board Unleashes Malevolent Spirits

Blumhouse’s Ouija didn’t get many good reviews but they proceeded with a prequel here. This is automatically the better film from the outset by employing Mike Flanagan, behind amazing works like Absentia, Hush and The Haunting of Hill House, as director, even if it comes out as one of Flanagan’s lesser works

Nerve (2016)

Nerve (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Internet Site That Offers Deadly Challenges

This is like an online version of 13 Sins about an internet site that pushes people to take increasingly more outrageous and eventually deadly dares. One of the new thrillers centred around social media that seeks to adopt its visual look, this is slickly polished and aimed direct to the teenage demographic

The Limehouse Golem (2016)

The Limehouse Golem (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Victorian Serial Killer

This comes with a captivating tagline “Before The Ripper, fear had another name” and misleadingly suggests it is based on another true-life Victorian serial killer. This refuses to be the police procedural you expect

Life After Life (2016)

Life After Life (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Chinese Possession Story

Chinese film in which a dead wife comes back to inhabit the body of her son to get her husband to move a tree before their village is redeveloped

Hounds of Love (2016)

Hounds of Love (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Couple Abduct and Imprison a Teenage Girl

Australian film about a couple that abduct and imprison a teenage girl. This received some very good notices in theatrical release but as a horror film, it soft pedals and seems to avoid most of its horror element

Howard Lovecraft and the Frozen Kingdom (2016)

Howard Lovecraft and the Frozen Kingdom (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Animation/Young H.P. Lovecraft's Adventures

H.P. Lovecraft is a cult horror writer whose work brims over with a sense of cosmic dread. One of the most bizarre Lovecraft film adaptations is this work of children’s animation featuring a young Lovecraft

The Huntsman: Winter’s War (2016)

The Huntsman: Winter's War (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Snow White and the Huntsman Sequel

Sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman. Despite low expectations, this emerged better than one thought it would. It has a better director and seems much more at home being an epic fantasy than the first film

Carnage Park (2016)

Carnage Park (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Human Hunting for Sport

Mickey Keating makes a Backwoods Brutality film that has borrowed a good deal from The Most Dangerous Game about a woman abducted and forced to make a survival run through the desert with her bare hands

The Conduit (2016)

The Conduit (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Deadly Mystery Woman

Modest film about a man who becomes involved with a woman who increasingly appears to be responsible for a series of murders. The director and lead actress create a sense of mystery and fascination about what is happening

Late Night Double Feature (2016)

Late Night Double Feature (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Horror Anthology

In the same vein as Grindhouse, an anthology that consists of two longer stories set around the gimmick of a tv horror host playing a double-bill, along with several mocked-up parody trailers

Jack Goes Home (2016)

Jack Goes Home (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Weird/Disturbing Journey Back Home

Actor Thomas Dekker directs a film in which Rory Culkin travels home for a funeral and finds disturbing revelations about his past. This circles around weird happenings without going anywhere

Ibiza Undead (2016)

Ibiza Undead (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Lads vs Zombies Comedy

British lad culture take on the zombie film. Think a version of Shaun of the Dead inhabited by guys around the age of 20 whose only real concerns is getting laid and wasted. The constant vulgarity becomes tiresome

Independents’ Day (2016)

Rating: ★★
Asylum Mockbuster/Alien Invasion

The Asylum’s mockbuster answer to Independence Day: Resurgence, a rehash of Independence Day on a cheaper budget. The desire to copy the title has forced some plotting oddities onto the film

Kung Fu Panda 3 (2016)

Kung Fu Panda 3 (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Animation/Talking Animal Martial Arts

The Kung Fu Panda series are films for couch potatoes – martial arts films with a hero who proclaims the virtues of laziness, overeating and goes into combat with an self-inflated sense of his own awesomeness

Inside (2016)

Inside (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Home Invasion/Pregnant Woman Pursued

The 2007 Inside in which a pregnant mother is pursued by a woman with a pair of scissors was one of the most brutal viewing experiences amid the French Extremism fad. This is the English-language remake

Cinderella Game (2016)

Cinderella Game (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Deadly Elimination Card Game

Bizarre Japanese copy of Battle Royale by way of American Idol where a group of schoolgirls from a singing competition are trapped on an island where they must play a deadly card game

It Watches (2016)

It Watches (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Sinister Happenings as a Man Goes Housesitting

This feels as though the director, frustrated with lack of financing, grabbed a camera and shot a film around his home. This generates a modest creepiness but falls apart at a credibiity-stretching ending

Johnny Frank Garrett’s Last Word (2016)

Johnny Frank Garrett's Last Word (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
True Crime/Executed Innocent Man's Dying Curse

From the acclaimed Simon Rumley comes this true crime drama about the execution of an innocent man and the supposed curse he placed on all who condemned him

Little Dead Rotting Hood (2016)

Little Dead Rotting Hood (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Little Red Riding Hood Resurrected as a Werewolf Hunter

This had me watched on the basis of the title alone. An Asylum production, this is less a twisted take on the fairytale than one that turns Little Red Riding Hood into a werewolf hunter

Jack the Ripper (2016)

Jack the Ripper (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Jack the Ripper Killings

A girl sets out to solve the Jack the Ripper killings to free her innocently convicted brother. This is no more, no less factual than any other version but conducts a fine period recreation of Victorian England

Hollow Creek (2016)

Hollow Creek (2015) poster
Rating: ★★
Abducted Woman Thriller

Although effort is made to sell this as a horror film and there are some ghosts, this is far more of a missing woman thriller. A directing/writing debut for Guisela Moro who plays the abducted woman

The Boy (2016)

The Boy (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Sinister Possibly Living Doll

There is a certain appeal to the premise – nanny is expected to tend a doll that everyone pretends is real only to discover it might be alive. Director William Brent Bell but he redeems himself in terms of creepy atmosphere only to blow it with a lame twist ending

Fallen (2016)

Fallen (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Young Adult/Angel-Mortal Romance

Adaption of a Young Adult series of books – this is essentially Twilight but with angels instead of vampires. Another YA effort where we never saw successive chapters due to its box-office flop

The Follower (2016)

The Follower (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Singer Imprisoned by a Psycho Fan

A blatant copy of Misery where Erika Christensen is a popular singer who is abducted and made a prisoner by deranged fan Bethany Lauren James who wants her to write more songs in the style she used to

The Forest (2016)

The Forest (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Haunted Japanese Suicide Forest

Film about Japan’s legendary Suicide Forest that comes rich in a sense of original mythology. All possibilities are wrung out by incredibly tepid direction that fails to deliver anything remotely scary

Cyborg X (2016)

Cyborg X (2016) poste
Rating: ★★
Post-Holocaust Cyborg Wars

From Arrowstorm Entertainment, a low-budget company that make highly professional films. Here they have even roped Danny Trejo into playing a role in a passable attempt to replicate a 1990s Albert Pyun post-holocaust cyborg film

The Curse of Sleeping Beauty (2016)

Rating: ★★
Horror Version of Sleeping Beauty

This offers the promising idea of Sleeping Beauty reworked as a horror film (and set in the modern day). Never as interesting as it sounds in synopsis, this becomes more a Sleeping Beauty-themed haunted house ride

The Giant (2016)

The Giant (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Deformed Man Has Daydreams of Being a Giant

For the most part, this plays out as a mundane drama about someone with a terrible deformity – similar to The Elephant Man or Mask – but who also has daydreams in which he is a giant

A Cure for Wellness (2016)

A Cure for Wellness (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Sinister Health Sanatorium

From Gore Verbinski, director of The Ring and the first three Pirates of the Caribbean films, a film about a sinister health sanatorium. A beautiful looking film but it is a long time before we ever find out what is going on

The Enchanted Cottage (2016)

The Enchanted Cottage (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Romantic Fantasy of Transformation

A modern remake of an old play filmed twice before about a magical cottage that allows plain and disfigured lovers who stay there to see the other one as beautiful

Capture Kill Release (2016)

Capture Kill Release (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Found Footage/Couple Plan a Murder

A Canadian-made micro-budgeted Found Footage film about a couple filming themselves as they plan out a murder for the thrill of it – only to fall out in the midst of doing so

Morgan (2016)

Morgan (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Artificially Intelligent Android

A.I. film directed by Ridley Scott’s son. The set-up seems awfully similar to Ex Machina – unfortunately, this sidesteps any of that fascinating questions about A.I. that film dealt in, while the latter half just becomes The Terminator before reaching a frankly unbelievable twist ending that sinks the film

Cabin Fever (2016)

Cabin Fever (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Backwoods Horror/Deadly Infection

A remake of Eli Roth’s first film? Why, given that the original only came out 14 years ago, is anybody’s guess. This literally recycles the original’s script but is deaf to its sarcastic humour of the original

Cadence (2016)

Cadence (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Nightmare Visions/Parallel Reality

For a long time, this effort about a girl experiencing nightmare visions on her family farm doesn’t seem to be doing anything – then gets interesting as it switches to a parallel reality where what happens is mirrored slightly different

Moana (2016)

Moana (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Disney Animation/Pacific Island Mythology

Despite being a huge box-office and critical success and being nominated for an Academy Award, I am in a minority in disliking this. Maybe it’s something to do with the fact that it appropriates the culture from my neck of the woods and only spins it out as a series of glib jokes and one-liners

The Great Wall (2016)

The Great Wall (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Historical Fantasy Epic

Matt Damon helps defend the Great Wall of China against invading monsters. Directed by Zhang Yimou, this should be seen for its breathtaking visuals – vast battle scenes, lavish costumes – but you wish there had been more than that

Criminal (2016)

Criminal (2015) poster
Rating: ★★
Transplanted Memories/Action Film

Everything indicates this should have been a hit – an impressive star line-up, big polished action sequences – only it tanked. Much has been assembled in the service of a hackneyed idea where the memories of an FBI agent are implanted into criminal Kevin Costner

The Mermaid (2016)

The Mermaid (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Mermaid Comedy

Stephen Chow has proven himself a comic genius in his directorial works of the 90s/00s. Unfortunately, as he has gained mainstream acclaim, his films have started to disappear under their big-budgets. This is sort of a version of Splash! by way of the fad for madcap Hong Kong slapstick

Massacre on Aisle 12 (2016)

Massacre on Aisle 12 (2016) poster
Rating: ★★
Murderous Squabbling in a Hardware Store/Black Comedy

This calls itself a horror comedy and is set in a hardware store on Christmas Eve as the staff fall to murderous squabbling after the discovery of a dead body and large sum of money

Time Toys (2016)

Time Toys (2016) poster
Rating: ★½
Super-Powered Toys from the Future

Children’s film with the promising idea of kids finding a bunch of toys from the future that grant them amazing abilities unaware they have world-destroying potential.; The idea is alas watered down to the blandness of family formula and the limited conceptual horizons of a low budget

The Darkness (2016)

The Darkness (2016) poster
Rating: ★½
Haunting/Native American Demons Awakened

Greg McLean has made an impressive name with the Wolf Creek films and Rogue. In his first US film, he delivers a disappointing and utterly generic haunted suburban house film

Attack of the Killer Donuts (2016)

Attack of the Killer Donuts (2016) poster
Rating: ★½
Gonzo Monster Movie

There is a certain genus of films based around coming up with deliberately ridiculous titles. The filmmakers sell you instantly on the film from the title alone but have lavished little care or budget on the actual film

The Last Heist (2016)

The Last Heist (2016) poster
Rating: ★½
Serial Killer During a Bank Heist

Mike Mendez film about a heist on a safety deposit company. Henry Rollins proves extremely entertaining as a serial killer come to retrieve his collection of eyeballs in the vault and caught in the midst

Joker’s Wild (2016)

Joker's Wild (2016) poster
Rating:
Theatre Haunted by Killer Clowns

Completely ridiculous killer clown film with a theatre haunted by clowns where nothing makes any sense. Even more absurdly, it becomes a preachy diatribe in favour of the right to gun ownership

The Veil (2016)

The Veil (2016) poster
Rating:
Ghosts of Mass Suicide Cult Members

This has a great premise – a camera crew revisiting the site of a cult mass suicide stir up the ghosts of the cult members – and a director who I always maintained had much untapped potential. Alas, the finished result seems to slip by his hands

Lost in the Pacific (2016)

Lost in the Pacific (2016) poster
Rating:
Disaster Movie/Mutant Cats on a Plane

A Chinese-made attempt to make a disaster movie with a crosscut of characters aboard a luxury airliner. What causes the film to plummet down into the ridiculous is the addition of a horde of mutant cats

Max Steel (2016)

Max Steel (2016) poster
Rating:
Film Based on Toy Franchise/Superhero Film

An ill-conceived attempt to compete amid the high stakes box-office superheroics enjoyed by Marvel and belatedly DC, this had one of the most disastrous box-office showings of 2016 … Based on a popular line of action toys, this gets nothing right – it’s hard to tell it is meant to be a superhero film for half the show

Hard Target 2 (2016)

Hard Target 2 (2016) poster
Rating:
Human Hunting for Sport/Action

Hard Target was one of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s better films, featuring an on-fire John Woo as director. While most have forgotten it, we get a sequel here that copycats Woo’s moves to a point of tedium

Maximum Ride (2016)

Rating:
Young Adult/Genetically Engineered Children

In between the hugely successful Young Adult adaptations of the 00s/10s there has been another trail of YA adaptations that never made it beyond one film. Adapted from a YA series by crime writer James Patterson about a group of kids with wings, this is an exceedingly lacklustre production

Earthtastrophe (2016)

Earthtastrophe (2016) poster
Rating:
Earth Transported to Another Solar System

Syfy Channel disaster movie where Earth is suddenly transported into another Solar System amid cheap effects and an improbable time travel solution is sought to reverse this

The 12 Slays of Christmas (2016)

The 12 Slays of Christmas (2016) poster
Rating:
Christmas Horror Anthology

From Troma films, this is an anthology made up of twelve Christmas-themed short horror films for what supposed leading indie directors – so acclaimed I’ve only heard of two of them before

2 Lava 2 Lantula (2016)

2 Lava 2 Lantula (2016) poster
Rating:
Giant Fire-Breathing Spiders

Lavalantula with Steve Guttenberg facing giant fire-breathing spiders was a modestly enjoyable creature feature. This sequel feels like a Sharknado wannabe with shittier effects and an unfunny sense of humour

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Sword of Destiny (2016)

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Sword of Destiny (2016) poster
Rating:
Flying Swordsmen Fantasy

A massive letdown of the year. A sequel that brings back several of the original cast and gives it to Yuen Wo-Ping to direct but is merely slickly paced, uninspired action that substitutes CGI for the graceful wirework of the original

Underworld: Blood Wars (2016)

Underworld: Blood Wars (2016) poster
Rating:
Vampire-Werewolf War

I am at a loss to understand who the audience for the Underworld films is – they are films devoid of minimal requirements like plotting and seem to only exist as a series of forgettable action sequences and interchangeable Gothic poses by characters in black leather – and yet we keep getting more of them

Bleed (2016)

Bleed (2016) poster
Rating:
Haunted Prison/Backwoods Occult

This feels like mostly a series of horror tropes – ghost hunters with cameras in an abandoned building, backwoods occultists wanting the heroine’s baby – shuffled without originality

Friend Request (2016)

Friend Request (2016) poster
Rating:
Supernatural Retribution Via Social Media

Another in the spate of social media horror films, this is a blatant copy of Unfriended, albeit mashed up with Ring to create the idea of a cursed newsfeed. This is also the lamest of the bunch

Officer Downe (2016)

Officer Downe (2016) poster
Rating:
Undead Cop/Graphic Novel Adaptation

Comic-book adaptation about a cop that is resurrected from the dead to take on the toughest assignments. Feels like a throwback to an 80s film like Maniac Cop or Dead Heat where the film is killed by the tiresomely cliched appropriation of the faux grindhouse aesthetic

The Offering (2016)

Rating:
Occult Happenings

Singaporean film that offers an assemblage of cliches elements from various horror films in a mishmash of hauntings, possession, occult happenings and ominous Biblical portents that make little sense in terms of explanatory rationale

When the Bough Breaks (2016)

When the Bough Breaks (2016) poster
Rating:
Psycho Surrogate Mother

A throwback to the 1980s/90s psycho-thriller that came out after Fatal Attraction featuring a surrogate mother who develops a stalkerish fixation on a husband. The crucial difference is that this is played with an all-Black cast but in a way that sends out weirdly uncomfortable racial messages

The Northlander (2016)

The Northlander (2016) poster
Rating:
Post-Holocaust

Post-holocaust film made by and starring Canadian First Nations people. While the film uses the aftermath of a civilisation as a setting, it never seems that interested in exploring it. The film peters out in an uninteresting resoution and features some appallingly pretentious dialogue

The 5th Wave (2016)

The 5th Wave (2016) poster
Rating:
Alien Invasion/Young Adult

Wannabe in the fad for Young Adult films. An alien invasion story that takes place without drama or engagement in anything that happens. This seems more interested in its teen love triangle than combatting the alien threat

Norm of the North (2016)

Norm of the North (2016) poster
Rating:
Animation/Talking Polar Bear

As animated films go, there are few that feel like a constructor set of pieces copied from every other film than this. Audiences found the adventures of a twerking polar bear lacking too and it made a record for the lowest weekend gross for an animated film ever

Darkweb (2016)

Darkweb (2016) poster
Rating:
Human Bloodsports

This exploits the topical fascination with the darknet in a story ostensibly about making snuff videos for sale there. In actuality, this telescopes down to being no more a variant on The Most Dangerous Game

Exorcist: House of Evil (2016)

Exorcist: House of Evil (2016) poster
Rating:
Demonic Possession

The possession and exorcism genre has been recycling the same cliches ever since The Exorcist. Even this film’s bogus claim to be filmed in the house where the true-life event that inspired The Exorcist took place fails to make this stand out

The Thinning (2016)

The Thinning (2016) poster
Rating:
Future Education System Eliminates Failed Students

Another variant on the Young Adult dystopia a la The Hunger Games and Divergent films, concerning a future where that who fail standardised school tests are executed to keep the population down. The blandness of approach utterly feels to grapple with the ideas at play

Charlie Charlie (2016)

Charlie Charlie (2016) poster
Rating:
Oracular Game

Charlie Charlie was supposedly an oracular game that made headlines when a satiric site claimed that teenagers were being killed playing it and some news sites took this seriously. This is a pathetic and feeble film made exploiting the game’s five minutes of notoriety

Restoration (2016)

Restoration (2016) poster
Rating:
Possible Haunting/Body Predation

A film directed by actor Zack Ward – his best known role was probably as Postal Dude in Uwe Boll’s Postal. Not a terribly interesting film – it starts as a ghost story before this proves to be a red herring and then meanders around without much direction

Somnus (2016)

Somnus (2016) poster
Rating:
Space Mission Problems/The End of the World

This low-budget British effort seems to be making a good start as a film that deals with space travel realistically only to bog down in one of the most incomprehensible plots one has ever sat through

Comix: Beyond the Comic Book Pages (2016)

Comix: Beyond the Comic Book Page (2016) poster
Rating:
Comic-Book Documentary

Documentary about the comic-book that ends up trying to address everything and being so hopelessly watered down it feels like an attempt to explain everything to someone who has never read a comic-book before

Inferno (2016)

Inferno (2016) poster
Rating:
Dan Brown Adaptation/Trail of Clues to a Deadly Virus

The third film based on Dan Brown’s Robert Langdon books. This is essentially the same plot as The Da Vinci Code with Tom Hanks following clues to a deadly virus hidden in classic artworks around Europe

Left Behind – Vanished: Next Generation (2016)

Left Behind – Vanished: Next Generation (2016) poster
Rating:
Young Adult/Christian Rapture Film

There have been the various adaptations of the Left Behind books about the Biblical Rapture; this is an attempt to spin the same off for Young Adult audiences and is not very good

She Wolf Rising (2016)

She Wolf Rising (2016) poster
Rating:
Werewolf Scream Queen

There is a good idea for a film in here somewhere where a fan joins Scream Queen Tiffany Shepis playing a Scream Queen tracking down the print of her werewolf movie before finding she is a real werewolf. But the presentation is an utterly confused mishmash

Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (2016)

Sharknado The 4th Awakens (2016) poster
Rating:
Storm of Sharks/Deliberately Bad Film

The bad movie hit of Sharknado was a surprise to everyone and spawned sequels. By this point, creativity appears to have dried up – essentially, the Sharknado series has jumped the shark

The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let’s Do the Time Warp Again (2016)

The Rocky Horror Picture Show Let's Do the Timewarp Again (2016) poster
Rating:
Gender-Bender Rock Musical/Frankenstein Spoof

Nothing indicates how miscalculated this remake is than the fact it has been placed in the hands of the director of the High School Musicals and sundry Disney Channel fodder

Abattoir (2016)

Abattoir (2016) poster
Rating:
Sinister Small Town/Collector of Murder Rooms

Darren Lynn Bousman is the director most associated with the Saw sequels and its Torture Porn excesses. His other films have been lacking. This comes with one of the most off the wall premises one has seen